I have a problem being happy sometimes... and it is definitely getting me down to know that. And I do not want to be that friend anymore. So I'm going to start giving you some little tidbits from my life that give me joy :)

It's 9:30 am and already...
1. The sun is shining. My Lord, I love the sunshine. I LOVE feeling the sun on my face. I don't know what i would do if i lived in a rainy, cloudy place. That would be Hell for me. Not only fire but just overcast skies. all the time. bleh

2. I don't work until 4pm, so I can enjoy that sunshine in it's prime hours and get out of class at 1:18 to do it. :)

3. My new hair still smells like the shampoo from the salon. One of the best smells in the world! Haha, I should write down later what my favorite non-food smells are or something... I did that with non-musical sounds a little while back.

4. Finding really sweet Bible verses in my email. Philippians 4:10-13 is such a great little passage. Paul is talking about how he knows how to have very little and how to have plenty. God gives him strength through all things and that is the source of his contentment. Knowing the Lord will provide and take care of him. Makes me definitely trust the Lord more... so I printed out that passage to stick by my desk :)

5. I get to see a certain handsome someone today :) Its always a good day for that!

a little treat for you guys to get your day going with your morning coffee (Thats what I did!) :)

Heath Andrew Ledger :: April 4th, 1979 - January 22, 2008

Heath Ledger, as many of you know already, died this past Tuesday afternoon between 1pm and 3pm. He was officially pronounced dead around 3:34pm in his Soho apartment. Toxicity tests still have to come back from testing to tell us if overdose is really what happened to Ledger. I am so saddened by this. Heath Ledger was my favorite actor for the past ten years. I had him first plaster all over my school notebooks and all like... well... a little school girl but as he started to get more mature roles i realized how AMAZING of an actor he was. How humble he stayed and how beautiful of a person he was. No matter what people will say about him and regardless of his situation of how he died... I will always stick by him. I had even written a very fired up letter to John Gibson about his crude remarks about ledger. I'll post it later if its even relevant... but Gibson half heartedly apologized later. It was so half-a$$ed that I, along with hundreds of other fans, didn't even appreciated it. Ledger... He was amazing. I've had friends who weren't even huge fans of him say they felt "weird" that he was dead. It is weird. I am so saddened. Really. Its just weird to not be able to look forward to his daring roles anymore and just... admire him while he is living as a father, son, and actor. My prays go out to his family. I am so so saddened. I know what its like to lose someone close to me. I am so sorry to his friends and family and the acting community. Even though I had no idea how you really truly were, you inspired me to do the things that truly make me happy. I am honored to even be just a fan of yours. You will be missed Heath Andrew Ledger.

Sorry guys its been awhile. I've been swamped with school work... and looking up news on Heath every five minutes on google since other Heath sites have experienced internet meltdown since his death.

P.S. Hey if you live in Perth or the NY area, please respect Heath's family in this time. And for any gossip website please don't put up pictures of his funeral or memorial services. I've seen websites where they have put those up and have to click the "x" on the left hand corner of my mac. Its so sad and disgusting people thrive off of that. Someone that we love is in that box. not breathing. not moving. Not anything. Please respect his family and have Heath leave this earth peacefully.

*Now this post is not aimed towards any specific person... so no worries mates :)*

So as I have been talking more with my friends, I have noticed that a lot of them have said that many people have felt intimidated by me at first impression. The more I look at the situation, the more I can agree and see what they mean. First, the most obvious thing is that I am a six foot tall girl. I also am not shy, I am not delicate, and I'm pretty vibrant. Even when I am docile and a little quiet, I have a stoic expression on my face that isn't easily approached.

My apologies.

So to all people, please approach me. No wonder I had few friends in highschool... people were intimidated. I'm really not that bad. I'm just like a normal person that wants friends and wants to be happy. My life is not perfect just like yours. My life is good sometimes... just like yours. I'm a normal girl.

And this post is mainly written for guys. Okay, I'm decent looking. I know it and I won't be fishing for compliments saying oh no i'm not! Cause.. whatever. But guys... don't think that you don't have a chance at all with me. I probably think the same of you guys sometimes. I've had guys saying "Oh you would never date someone like me," How do you know? Do you guys seriously think that I base my dating standards on looks first? Sure physical attraction is wonderful but PUH-LEEEASE... Personality is so much more important. What good is a partner if you can't even relate to them? I don't want a doormat that looks pretty on my front step or a good accessory, I want a guy who is a partner.

You guys never give me a chance. If you do, its all in good fun and temporary. How am I supposed to give you a chance if you won't even give me one? Its frustrating because a lot of guys I have liked in the past have told me they felt the same way the same time I did... just not anymore. I'm totally fine without a relationship but I would love a guy to have the balls to pursue me like a real man. Psh. I don't know... i mean if you like a person get to know them. How are you going to get to know them or know that you want to be with them if you're scared of talking about stuff like that?

so
a. don't be scared.
b. give me a chance to get to know you...
c. ...and then we'll both decide if we're right for each other.

understand? I sure hope so. so please guys... brush up on that confidence that makes you so much more attractive. ;)

Thanks!
-Nath

I think the biggest mistake I make is holding back. I hold back a lot because I've lost trust and faith in a lot of people. I'm slowly bringing it back into my life but i think being wary still has its perks (of course). But I've lost a lot of relationships from holding back and not being completely myself. I think my head has been manipulated by the media saying its not okay to be vulnerable sometimes. Actually, now that I think of it, I don't I have a clue of where the line really is. Because I sometimes find myself on the very far ends. I sometimes open myself up too much and sometimes I just close myself off completely. I'm a freaking weird person... I like it though. I would love to be able to love fully and honestly though, I mean who doesn't?

I've held back in telling my friend zach how I really felt about him and our friendship until it was too late. We talked about pursuing a relationship and then he passed away. I wish I told him I loved him more and all that comes along with having grief over a death. Its not something I can change but I can definitely learn from it. Truth is, I still hold back sometimes.

Can someone keep my accountable?

Is there someone you need to be more intimate with?
Not sexually but honestly, truely, and fully there as a person and friend?
Is there something you're so afraid of not working out so you just put it off?
Do you not express yourself because you've been told you're not talented enough, smart enough, cool enough, fast enough, or whatever?
Are you holding back words that are meant to be said.

I'm one of those people that believe if something is on your mind constantly, there is obviously a reason it won't go away... now that I write that, it seems obvious but let me explain. I mean its something that is meant to be in your life somehow. I just pray to God to get an answer of where those things are supposed to be in my life.

Other stuff in my life...
- i like my job! for once i do not have a job that I leave pissed off everytime!
- God keeps pulling me in directions where I would do stuff with my hands. to create and to make things... I'm liking it a lot.
- Money is not an issue anymore. I'm so excited.
- I'm getting my christmas present in the mail next week! woohoo imac!
- three days in a row off next week! oh man, so excited! going back to dayton to see the family :)
- No romantic relationships during the holidays thus far. we'll see. :)
- I've made a new years resolution to not drink coffee more than once a day. meaning one cup or so a day. I think I'm addicted. about 4-6 cups average a day is normal right? haha! I like green tea a lot better anyway. :)
- slept till 11:30 AM today. AHHH!!! YAY!!! for once i got to sleep in! woohoo!
- I'm obsessed with Ben Lee lately. Take a listen on his myspace.

i'm freaking giddy. the giddiness that happens only after a boy.

hmmmmm wonder whats gonna happen. :)

but i have to be cautious. cause you freaking boys caused my paranoia... so i always have to be careful. mmmwell.

sleepy time. i think i'm slap happy cause i've had a total of like 5 hours sleep the past two nights. ohhhh man. night night guys :)

Its been 2 years since one of my best friends passed away. He was living the dream and going to his dream school at MIT. He was beautiful and loved by everyone. I can't tell you how much my standards were raised about guys. Its hard to match up to him. I love and miss him so much... so I'll share some of my favorite pictures of him.
Zach I miss you. Come home.



this picture above was taken the weekend before he passed on thursday december 1, 2005. I miss him so much. words cannot explain how much.

Well I'm a NaBloPoMo failure... i think i skipped about three days? Oh well. My thanksgiving was pretty good, it was the first AMERICAN thanksgiving we had. As some know, we're really Polish in my household and American food for an American holiday is unheard of. Thanks to epicurious.com we got a couple amazing dishes out like Herbed stuffing and Chive and Parsley Mashed Potatoes (looked like pistachio ice cream!).

I hate it when you try to forget someone and then when you see them you get all sucked back up again to the same place you were before. I hate trying to forget people but people don't seem to make it hard on themselves to forget me. I feel as if I've been left behind more than ME being the person that is doing the leaving. The leaving doesn't even have to be physical. I've been in the same room with people who have left me behind in their past. Kind of hurts.

I had my first shift at work last night... it was pretty fun, liked the atmosphere even though I REALLY don't understand the whole BLACK FRIDAY rush. Learn to do online shopping, for real. It surprisingly only took me about 5-10 minutes to find a parking spot though and pretty close. pretty sweet. :)

I'm totally all about the humor in a relationship. I love it when a guy can make me laugh hardcore and just have fun with me. I don't like the nervous dates where you talk about stuff you're not even sure you should be talking about just yet. Haha, I just love the movies where the guy makes up funny songs for the girl on their guitars. Like adam sandler in the wedding singer and 50 first dates. The cuteness is freaking too much to bear in "Forgetful Lucy" even though he makes a ton of jokes that aren't really romantic at all in some parts. I'd totally date Adam Sandler just for the chance that he might right me a funny love song.

And even though this song gets worse and worse (and by worse I mean funnier) as it goes, When Bret sings to his girl in Flight of the Conchords wondering what she's into... you know. sexually. He brings it up in a song with Jemaine just singing in the background... makes the subject matter into something hilarious. you'll have to watch it:



But yea, funny songs are the shizznit. especially if someone you like is singing them to you. haha! Cause in all those funny songs you see the little things that the other person notices in who he wrote the song for. From something serious that she does to something really funny you can't really help but pick at it. Okay, I'm being a nerd. I'm going to go study for my French midterm. BAH!

P.S. if you haven't seen this show yet, you are seriously being deprived. Just letting you know... :P

P.P.S anyone else feeling the pressure of NaBloPoMo like me yet? EEP!

... and guys... you're not supplying the love. I don't know what this epidemic is with reeeeeeally tall guys dating really TEENSY little girls. I'm six feet tall and have been since i was about 13 (I'm 20 now) and I cannot tell you how hard it is to find a guy that is taller than you and interested. My first kiss was a guy who was 5'7" so i'm not biased towards one height or the other. I don't settle ... don't get that idea... and I didnt just date a short guy or whoever because they were available. I dated them because of the person they were. I know that I'm writing a post on how its weird that tall guys date really short girls... but yea, its just something I've noticed. A lot of tall guys I know prefer teeny girls, I don't know why really. Maybe someone will enlighten me. I mean if they're an awesome girl... then go for it. But hey, tall guys... LOOK UP NOT DOWN once in a little while! There are some pretty legit tall girls out there! I don't really like to limit myself to height because almost all the shorter guys I've dated were awesome and some (to most) are still my friends. And I mean I always see guys fawn over almost 6' supermodels or whatever and then I see them dating someone as tall as my pinky. What gives dude! Whatever, I just think a girl should not have to tip-toe or a guy become a hunchback just to get a peck on the lips or to give a hug. I'm just sayin... tall guys... you need to look up a little. It'd be great to find a tall guy who we can date and not compete with smaller girls just cause we're not "dainty" or "petite" enough... heck even "fun-sized" as some shorties like to call themselves. Its not our fault we're tall so give us a chance. ;)

Pssshhh anyway, watch this. water = very happy nathalie :)

good music from ohio... I mean seriously, what else is new? :)

step one.) Take a listen :)


step two.) listen more at http://www.myspace.com/stevenhowell or http://www.purevolume.com/stevenlokihowell (both open in a new window).

step three.) add this on your myspace, webpage, just get the word and buy some of his tunes :)

.. so to all my guy friends who have started dating or having girlfriends... don't make me feel like one. I've had at least a few of my really good guy friends just STOP talking to me after they have gotten girlfriends. One of my friends has gotten engaged and I understand that his fiance might not like him talking to another girl... but I've talked to him WAY before they even started dating. He still sends me things on facebook or whatever but never picks up his phone, responds with one word answers in texts, etc. Its ridiculous. If you consider me your friend then you should sure as heck act like it. My other friend, I know he gets my texts because he texts other people that are around me.. but he never responds. I'm really good friends with his girlfriend who KNOWS we are just friends. Plus its a friggin' long distance friendship anyway... Theres no way that you would be able to cheat on your girlfriend even if you WANTED to. And not that I would even want to. I don't ruin relationships. I don't want anyone messing with the guys that I date... so why would I want to mess with your relationship with your girlfriend? Are you really thinking I am that selfish? Well dude, you're 150% wrong about that and please don't flatter yourself that much. I like you... but i don't "like-like" you. Psh, it just makes me tired because I've been left behind by so many friggin people. I don't need people ignoring me. If you don't want me to be your friend, then tell me... and I'll stop talking to you. God Forbid, you have another person caring about who you are and what you're up to. If you're worried about your girlfriend being uber jealous... then I understand... that your girlfriend can't handle you having friends. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. And please, don't be one of those people that are consumed by their relationship and have no friends after you guys end it. I want to be there if you're ever in trouble, but it sucks when I can't even reach you. Or even if I do, you don't have the integrity to even call me back or whatever. Grow some balls and get over yourself.