Sunday, October 26, 2008

I had a friend who died. I am sure a lot of people have friends in their lives that have passed. My friend Zach passed away almost three years ago. I can't believe it has been almost three years since I've talked to him last. I remember talking to him the sunday before he died and I told him I'd call him back later because I was going to go watch Family Guy with my friend Steve in the dorm next door. 7:14pm. Sunday. Last time I ever heard his voice speaking my name. I would do anything to get that back. He passed away five days later.

The reason I am writing about him now is that I keep having the most vivid dreams about him recently. I mean, the past couple of years I've had numerous dreams. But never so many in a row. I dreamt last night that he was reading a letter to me, filled with memories he wanted to tell his friends about us. We have less memories than I'd like because of the distance... But he didn't seem to know. He was wearing a blue plaid button up shirt and his torn up abercrombie jeans. His floppy blond hair was beautiful and I felt as if I could touch it. I somehow got called into the office at my University... umm there is like 500 offices! I don't know how they found me... I told Zach I'd be right back... but the advisor told me I owed them money... lots of it. They wouldn't let me go until I paid them in full. I got nervous and anxious because i knew something bad was going to happen to ... the advisor left to get some paper work and I proceeded to do some damage around his office and deleted all my information off his computer. I felt anxious in my dream and even in my dream I was running because I had to get back to Zach.

I found him in a field with other people, I don't remember their faces. But he was okay, and they were all looking at something in the same direction. I threw myself at him and hugged him. You know when you can feel the body of the person you're hugging? Just the curves fitting into yours? I felt that. Even in a dream, I felt that his body was against mine. I was so relieved he was okay. I kept yelling to the advisor that I had to get back, and the feeling was urgent, and now that I got there... he was okay. He hugged me really close and It felt. so. real. He had a camera and wanted a picture of us. We don't have any of us together... I just have pictures I took of him and thats all. The camera tried to take a picture, and failed. again. again. and again. That's when I woke up... frustrated I couldn't get another memory with him. I wish there was a type of technology that enables you to take the pictures you have in your head.

You know, I always wonder why God took him away from us. from his family. from me. I'm so jealous of all the people that have found their loves and God has let them have them. Let them kiss. Let them hold hands. Let them make memories for until death parts them in the end not in the beginning. Let them marry. Let them share each other. Zach was "it" for me. Finally. I found someone who cherishes my mind and heart. He was mine... for a little bit. God gives us the deepest desires of our heart but I feel that all I can think about is how i want Zach back. I think that if i were given the option of having him back, I would give up everything to have him back. If it meant that he could live and if I could die then I would take it. I just want one more day. I keep making up memories that aren't true. I want reality. I still have his number and I still listen to his voicemail. I'm not ready to let him go. It's been three years, I feel I have to.

if you ever hang out with me and feel like I'm obsessed with taking pictures, or wanting to see you even though you live 5 bajillion miles's because of Zach. I don't want to lose anymore friends and I don't want people to lose me. You have to work hard to keep your geographical points close. I feel guilty because sometimes i feel as if I didn't work hard enough. God I feel has a plan, we may not always agree with it... but it's going to happen. I just wish it didn't happen in a circumstance where I cannot see my friend for a very long time.

Today is going to be hard.

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