Saturday, September 27, 2008

This is kind of an ironic post, considering my last title about two posts back. So I was looking at an older post and read it over again. The list written out was one about stuff I want to do before I get married and I feel that one of the things on the list I have done already. Number eight talks about how I want to make a large mistake and learn from it. I feel like parts of my life have been a mistake, or are an ongoing constant mistake. This past year, I opened myself up to a person of the opposite sex only to be completely burnt and left alone. I cannot see myself trusting him again. If I could not trust him romantically, how could I trust him as a friend?

Either way, I feel that without that experience I would be still wanting a boyfriend or yearning for that certain male presence in my life. I am fine without a boyfriend and have been in the past... but with this guy I think it was that I really wanted to be touched and loved physically (whether it be by holding hands or kissing). He felt that I was just getting too attached when he was wanting anything but. We patched things up a little bit to where we were civilized towards one another after weeks of not speaking to each other (because, let's face it, he was a complete and utter sissy), and I still had feelings for him. I knew they were completely over on his side when I saw him before I left for my six week vacation this summer and he high-fived me instead of giving a hug. Recently I've been burned by him again by what seems like a lie. He probably, I'm 90% sure, did not mean to never make me want to date again but he hurt me to the point where I wish he would move so I wouldn't have to be in pain anymore seeing him.

It may sound harsh and a bit rash but I'm fine with deleting a person off of facebook, myspace, my phone, ripping tickets and memories because its the only way I can completely get over a person, male or female. I just don't see the sense in keeping the person around because I am constantly tempted to look at pictures or reminisce about old times. Also seeing them with a significant other would just eat me up inside, whether or not it was personal or not.

So basically, back to what this post was originally about, I've learned to keep some things to myself. That, to me, is huge. I'm usually a very open person in the sense that I will let most anyone into my life. I always felt like I was ostracized and not accepted when I was younger so I never wanted anyone to ever feel that same way. I now know that there are some things that you should keep to yourself. Some things that are meant to be kept pure and just for one other soul and not someone that will burn it with their hands, words, and actions. I will never let anyone burn me like that again. I am currently being pursued... which is completely lovely and pure... but I know my boundaries and I have stated them... I am human and I know what I am capable of and what I am not capable of. We'll see how this goes... one day at a time.

But poetry has struck me as a way to cope:

untitled #2
Your smile was never for me.
It was always meant for someone else.
Nonetheless, it tore at my flesh
and made my bones shake.

It was all too soon.
the kisses were not real, just deception.
A whirlwind of hope and imagination
of things that I lusted for.

Brittle you made me,
My body is no more my own.
You took it like a property,
burning what was pure and good.

Your words like confused darts
quaked and wobbled my world.
Behind coal glasses layed a serpent
waiting to watch a planet burn.

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