Friday, October 5, 2007

You may have seen us across the Oval, going to class, just like any other student there to get their four year 'in-and-out' five year degree for higher education. We're like any other student on campus except for one thing. Our 2 wheeled friends taking us to class in t-minus 5 minutes. While you're trekking to class for 20 minutes (or a half hour if you're a freshman), we are zipping by due to our incredible logic. Bike = fast. Fast = less time wasted going across this monstrocity of a college campus. I know that some people get annoyed with us, but trust me you guys are no picnic either. lets go over this and maybe we can work out some sort of schedule or something. These are some of the main/repeat offenders on Ohio State's campus

1.) The World Revolves Around My Footsteps Walker: This person is 80%-90% of people crossing campus. LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING. Theres a reason why there are almost collisions, cause friggin people don't look where they're going. When you're on a bike you have to look at where you're going next cause, HELLO, you're on a type of vehicle. Its like driving a car, except within people. So yea, look where you're going please and thank you.

2.) The Lets Take up the Whole Sidewalk Walker: Man, which side should I walk on? the right? left? Middle? Okay, I'll just zig zag and end up staying in the middle, not move, and have other people walk around me. Okay people, the answer is RIGHT. Stay to the RIGHT. If you were driving you wouldn't zig zag across the road and stay in the middle of two lanes. ITS THE SAME FRIGGIN THING. Stay on the RIGHT and just like on the highway (whoa!) faster people (a.k.a. bikes) will pass you to the left. Also, girls... STOP walking four people abreast. Theres other people besides you and besides me trying to get through. We don't want to fight through your conversation of "OMIGAWWWWD I got so trashed last night" to be able to walk to opposite (thank you Lord) direction of you.

3.) The Deer in Headlights Walker: You guys are the worst. You just stop DEAD in your tracks when a bike is heading in your direction. Did you have a depressing day and when you see my bike, do you get an idea that on your last day you want to see tires as your last thing on Earth? I'd rather have to veer off my path onto the grass than have to halt on my brakes just to not run into you. I'm six feet tall. Yea, I'm big. I'm so big I've gotten measured for my bike. 20 inches of beautiful bike are under my butt and its kind of hard to be stationary on it despite my height...So don't stop walking!! Don't worry... riders can see believe it or not. We SEE you even before you see us (ahh what a great little hunting scenario, eh?) and trust us, we're not going to run into you. If you stop... YOU ARE AT FAULT of the accident. Next time the screaming bike of terror coming spinning towards you, I'm just going to run you over to fulfill your sudden death wish just keep walking... cause I surely don't want to ruin my bike by running into you.

4.) The Slow as *Insert Colorful Word Here* Walker: Number 4 and Number 1 go hand in hand. These people walk so slow that they might as well not even walk to class (wherever they were going, whatever). They're talking on their cellphone, listening to their rip off and overpriced super hip video ipod, or talking to a person as if they were sitting over an intimate dinner. PICK UP YOUR FEET AND WALK. God made gave you long legs for a reason. I don't care if you're the size of a troll doll, I trust you're physically able to pick up your feet 1-2 inches off the ground to walk.

So please... read these carefully my two legged friends and students and do the opposite of the offenders. You are better than to make these mistakes over and over! Now I know that not everyone can ride bikes on campus, this is a special group... but Campus will be a much happier place because of your dedication and cooperation, just follow the rules of the road.


A Bicycle Rider

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