Saturday, December 8, 2007

I think the biggest mistake I make is holding back. I hold back a lot because I've lost trust and faith in a lot of people. I'm slowly bringing it back into my life but i think being wary still has its perks (of course). But I've lost a lot of relationships from holding back and not being completely myself. I think my head has been manipulated by the media saying its not okay to be vulnerable sometimes. Actually, now that I think of it, I don't I have a clue of where the line really is. Because I sometimes find myself on the very far ends. I sometimes open myself up too much and sometimes I just close myself off completely. I'm a freaking weird person... I like it though. I would love to be able to love fully and honestly though, I mean who doesn't?

I've held back in telling my friend zach how I really felt about him and our friendship until it was too late. We talked about pursuing a relationship and then he passed away. I wish I told him I loved him more and all that comes along with having grief over a death. Its not something I can change but I can definitely learn from it. Truth is, I still hold back sometimes.

Can someone keep my accountable?

Is there someone you need to be more intimate with?
Not sexually but honestly, truely, and fully there as a person and friend?
Is there something you're so afraid of not working out so you just put it off?
Do you not express yourself because you've been told you're not talented enough, smart enough, cool enough, fast enough, or whatever?
Are you holding back words that are meant to be said.

I'm one of those people that believe if something is on your mind constantly, there is obviously a reason it won't go away... now that I write that, it seems obvious but let me explain. I mean its something that is meant to be in your life somehow. I just pray to God to get an answer of where those things are supposed to be in my life.

Other stuff in my life...
- i like my job! for once i do not have a job that I leave pissed off everytime!
- God keeps pulling me in directions where I would do stuff with my hands. to create and to make things... I'm liking it a lot.
- Money is not an issue anymore. I'm so excited.
- I'm getting my christmas present in the mail next week! woohoo imac!
- three days in a row off next week! oh man, so excited! going back to dayton to see the family :)
- No romantic relationships during the holidays thus far. we'll see. :)
- I've made a new years resolution to not drink coffee more than once a day. meaning one cup or so a day. I think I'm addicted. about 4-6 cups average a day is normal right? haha! I like green tea a lot better anyway. :)
- slept till 11:30 AM today. AHHH!!! YAY!!! for once i got to sleep in! woohoo!
- I'm obsessed with Ben Lee lately. Take a listen on his myspace.

1 Blurbs:

Anonymous said...

"I'm one of those people that believe if something is on your mind constantly, there is obviously a reason it won't go away"

Exactly. I hate to relate it to a boy, but I couldn't stop thinking about my fiance for 4 years before we started dating. He was waiting for me to make up my mind about him for FOUR entire years and then I finally realized that if I can't stop thinking about him after that long of a time, there's a reason why. So I gave in and dated him and it was definitely God who planned out that crazy string of events. I've never loved a person so much in my life and I can't believe it took me so long to see what was right in front of me! So I agree with you!