one of my most favorite songs... ever.

Jessie Barber Photography

I had a friend who died. I am sure a lot of people have friends in their lives that have passed. My friend Zach passed away almost three years ago. I can't believe it has been almost three years since I've talked to him last. I remember talking to him the sunday before he died and I told him I'd call him back later because I was going to go watch Family Guy with my friend Steve in the dorm next door. 7:14pm. Sunday. Last time I ever heard his voice speaking my name. I would do anything to get that back. He passed away five days later.

The reason I am writing about him now is that I keep having the most vivid dreams about him recently. I mean, the past couple of years I've had numerous dreams. But never so many in a row. I dreamt last night that he was reading a letter to me, filled with memories he wanted to tell his friends about us. We have less memories than I'd like because of the distance... But he didn't seem to know. He was wearing a blue plaid button up shirt and his torn up abercrombie jeans. His floppy blond hair was beautiful and I felt as if I could touch it. I somehow got called into the office at my University... umm there is like 500 offices! I don't know how they found me... I told Zach I'd be right back... but the advisor told me I owed them money... lots of it. They wouldn't let me go until I paid them in full. I got nervous and anxious because i knew something bad was going to happen to ... the advisor left to get some paper work and I proceeded to do some damage around his office and deleted all my information off his computer. I felt anxious in my dream and even in my dream I was running because I had to get back to Zach.

I found him in a field with other people, I don't remember their faces. But he was okay, and they were all looking at something in the same direction. I threw myself at him and hugged him. You know when you can feel the body of the person you're hugging? Just the curves fitting into yours? I felt that. Even in a dream, I felt that his body was against mine. I was so relieved he was okay. I kept yelling to the advisor that I had to get back, and the feeling was urgent, and now that I got there... he was okay. He hugged me really close and It felt. so. real. He had a camera and wanted a picture of us. We don't have any of us together... I just have pictures I took of him and thats all. The camera tried to take a picture, and failed. again. again. and again. That's when I woke up... frustrated I couldn't get another memory with him. I wish there was a type of technology that enables you to take the pictures you have in your head.

You know, I always wonder why God took him away from us. from his family. from me. I'm so jealous of all the people that have found their loves and God has let them have them. Let them kiss. Let them hold hands. Let them make memories for until death parts them in the end not in the beginning. Let them marry. Let them share each other. Zach was "it" for me. Finally. I found someone who cherishes my mind and heart. He was mine... for a little bit. God gives us the deepest desires of our heart but I feel that all I can think about is how i want Zach back. I think that if i were given the option of having him back, I would give up everything to have him back. If it meant that he could live and if I could die then I would take it. I just want one more day. I keep making up memories that aren't true. I want reality. I still have his number and I still listen to his voicemail. I'm not ready to let him go. It's been three years, I feel I have to.

if you ever hang out with me and feel like I'm obsessed with taking pictures, or wanting to see you even though you live 5 bajillion miles away....it's because of Zach. I don't want to lose anymore friends and I don't want people to lose me. You have to work hard to keep your geographical points close. I feel guilty because sometimes i feel as if I didn't work hard enough. God I feel has a plan, we may not always agree with it... but it's going to happen. I just wish it didn't happen in a circumstance where I cannot see my friend for a very long time.

Today is going to be hard.

Little things in life really make me appreciate it... it being life itself. Today I had a pretty hard morning, my thoughts elsewhere and not in the present. I am wanting to move out to settle somewhere more peaceful as well as to kind of move on with my life. I'm trying to get an internship and I want to have a place that feels more like a home when I get back. I don't know... I've just had difficulty settling down ever since I moved in. This is my senior year, and that doesn't really matter when I'll look back on it... but I was really looking forward to just relaxing and keeping calm with the people I am used to. I had a bad experience living up on North Campus and this house just reminds me of it all.

Another bad thing that happened was that I was walking down the steps of campbell hall today when my feet slipped out from under me and I put a couple of nasty gashes in my brand new phone... That's why I really can't have nice things... I just ruin them. But luckily I was able to replace it easily :) and not to mention... I got a spiffy new case. :) So thats when things picked up and showed me how many amazing people i have around to me to help me out... and to show me that they don't like to see me upset...

Then went over over to roll to tell shawn I got a new bike... talked to him for a little bit and made me glad to have new friends... and vegetarian friends too :)

now just going to do some positive/negative drawings for my design class... I have no idea what I'm doing. gooooood luck to me. :)

I graduate in June 2009... hopefully. so I've compiled a list of possible things to do around Ohio State University and Columbus before that glorious day comes.

Here are some tentative things to accomplish... some serious and some not.

1.) Get an internship.
2.) Make a chalk drawing on the Oval.
3.) Establish a sort of (unofficial) guerilla art club.
4.) explore every classroom building. there is so freaking many.
5.) Go to every bar in the Short North.
6.) Go to every gallery hop before I graduate.
7.) Go to a North Market Festival.
8.) Go to Mercy for Animals meetings regularly.
9.) Have a professor I'd actually want to keep in contact with after I graduate.
10.) Go to a show at the Newport. Still have never been.

I like this... even with a point and shoot.
and even with the seductive look in my eye.
:)

Life has been good. I've been blessed lately. I really don't have too much to complain about... just some minor things that i have to get the courage to work up to speaking about.

but this night ended so well.

:)

I love it when I come to get my bike and this is all the remains.

This is kind of an ironic post, considering my last title about two posts back. So I was looking at an older post and read it over again. The list written out was one about stuff I want to do before I get married and I feel that one of the things on the list I have done already. Number eight talks about how I want to make a large mistake and learn from it. I feel like parts of my life have been a mistake, or are an ongoing constant mistake. This past year, I opened myself up to a person of the opposite sex only to be completely burnt and left alone. I cannot see myself trusting him again. If I could not trust him romantically, how could I trust him as a friend?

Either way, I feel that without that experience I would be still wanting a boyfriend or yearning for that certain male presence in my life. I am fine without a boyfriend and have been in the past... but with this guy I think it was that I really wanted to be touched and loved physically (whether it be by holding hands or kissing). He felt that I was just getting too attached when he was wanting anything but. We patched things up a little bit to where we were civilized towards one another after weeks of not speaking to each other (because, let's face it, he was a complete and utter sissy), and I still had feelings for him. I knew they were completely over on his side when I saw him before I left for my six week vacation this summer and he high-fived me instead of giving a hug. Recently I've been burned by him again by what seems like a lie. He probably, I'm 90% sure, did not mean to never make me want to date again but he hurt me to the point where I wish he would move so I wouldn't have to be in pain anymore seeing him.

It may sound harsh and a bit rash but I'm fine with deleting a person off of facebook, myspace, my phone, ripping tickets and memories because its the only way I can completely get over a person, male or female. I just don't see the sense in keeping the person around because I am constantly tempted to look at pictures or reminisce about old times. Also seeing them with a significant other would just eat me up inside, whether or not it was personal or not.

So basically, back to what this post was originally about, I've learned to keep some things to myself. That, to me, is huge. I'm usually a very open person in the sense that I will let most anyone into my life. I always felt like I was ostracized and not accepted when I was younger so I never wanted anyone to ever feel that same way. I now know that there are some things that you should keep to yourself. Some things that are meant to be kept pure and just for one other soul and not someone that will burn it with their hands, words, and actions. I will never let anyone burn me like that again. I am currently being pursued... which is completely lovely and pure... but I know my boundaries and I have stated them... I am human and I know what I am capable of and what I am not capable of. We'll see how this goes... one day at a time.

But poetry has struck me as a way to cope:

untitled #2
Your smile was never for me.
It was always meant for someone else.
Nonetheless, it tore at my flesh
and made my bones shake.

It was all too soon.
the kisses were not real, just deception.
A whirlwind of hope and imagination
of things that I lusted for.

Brittle you made me,
My body is no more my own.
You took it like a property,
burning what was pure and good.

Your words like confused darts
quaked and wobbled my world.
Behind coal glasses layed a serpent
waiting to watch a planet burn.

and its me! got my ID today... going to Union tonight with Sclary and friends :)

You will get me this moped scooter:



I probably need something more than 150cc if I'm going to want it to be highway certified...
More like 200cc+ :)
and I'm not usually a fan of pink... but damn... that scooter is wicked hot :)